Prostitute

by Sara Lufrano

Clyde watched Andy give the presentation. Clyde thought about Andy's ugly downturned mouth, his eyes that bulged whenever someone who had a title talked, that his jacket didn't sit squarely on his right shoulder.

'Tell me no, Andy, tell me no. Be that guy,' Clyde thought.

Clyde leaned forward in his chair, put his forearms on the table, and sighed before speaking to halt the conversation. “I think,” he started, “that we should shut down half of the software department and move those funds over to HR.” He paused. “Andy, what do you think?”

“That should work,” Andy said nodding his head too much. Clyde knew that it was without thought that he came to this conclusion.

'Andy,' Clyde thought, 'what the fuck?'

Clyde and his only-actual-friend Rick were at their usual bar.

“I'm giving them a reason to tell me no and they don't.”

Rick reached over and wiggled Clyde's earlobe. Clyde shooed his hand away.

“Rick! Fuck, dude.” Clyde smiled through his annoyance.

Rick laughed, and then puckered his lips while he talked. “I know who would tell you no and show you a good time.”

Clyde took a healthy gulp of his whiskey. “Sounds like I shouldn't ask.”

“Get a prostitute to step on your balls.”

Clyde screwed up his face at Rick. “No. What?”

Rick swished his whiskey in his tumbler. “Isn't that what being told 'no' is. A kick in the nuts?”

Clyde opened his mouth to speak but Rick raised a finger to silence him. “But you, Mr. All-Important-Sullivan, have never been told no. Must be nice.”

“It isn't.”

Clyde thought about getting hit in the genitals and cringed.

“Have you ever done it?” Clyde asked.

“Don't need to,” Rick took a drink and squirted a small bit of it between his teeth and said, “I get my balls broken all day.”

***

“Oh, yes Mr. Sullivan, that's a great idea.” A woman in a smart suit said.

“No it isn't.” Clyde looked at her. “You,” he pointed to a man in smart suit, “was that a great idea?”

“Oh yes Mr. Sullivan, that's a great idea,” he said.

Clyde was amazed and looked from person to person. “I want to cut pensions and give the top 1% a raise.”

They all nodded their heads and mumbled in agreement.

“That's fucking stupid!” Clyde yelled.

Clyde and Rick were at the bar again. Clyde was drunk anyone would have known. His shirt was un-tucked, his hair fluffy, his mouth hung open when he wasn't talking, his body hung heavy from the barstool.

“It would hurt, man. No,” Clyde said.

Rick pointed at Clyde. “You're God damned right it would.”

Clyde raised his lip, “Couldn't she just tell me no and then, like, pinch my arm or something?”

Rick put his finger in Clyde's ear and moved it in a circle. Clyde pulled away almost falling off his stool.

“That kind of 'no' would be meaningless. You need real pain. Right in your scrotum.” He winked.

“Uh,” Clyde was disgusted.

He thought of this woman punishing his privates. She had a featureless face except her mouth making the sweet shape of the word no. Her beautiful mouth and that wonderful word made him smile.

Clyde cleared his throat and looked toward Rick but not at him. “So, how would I,” he cleared his throat, “someone go about,” he paused, “finding a woman who will, um, step on my balls?”

Clyde paced his floor and wiped the sweat from his hands on his pants.

His phone rang with the caller ID of doorbell. He took a deep breath and marched to the door.

There she was, the woman who would tell him no.

She pushed past him and stood in the middle of the room with her back to him. She wore a khaki colored trench coat, bare legs to her black lace up combat boots, not military grade.

Clyde shut the door and turned but didn't step any closer to her.

“Come here,” she said over her shoulder.

He took a few steps inside. “Do you want to sit or have a drink?”

“No.”

He furrowed his brow and lifted his lip at her quick response.

“Okay.” He stepped closer to her. “Want me to take your jacket?”

“No.”

He closed his eyes and his face scrunched up like he smelled hot, wet garbage.

“Fine.” He walked around her in a wide berth until stopping in front of her. “Are you going to do any of that, 'get on all fours like a dog'?”

He looked in her eyes. They were grey-blue and deeply beautiful. Her lips were full and painted a ruby red. Her cheekbones were high and accented by her short dark brown bob hairstyle. Her face was sultry and sensual and he was smitten.

“No.” She gently shook her head. Her face was blank. Then her lips turned down, her forehead wrinkled up. Her eyes went wide as she turned into a different person.

Clyde watched this horrific transformation as if he was a statue unable to move.

She bent down a bit, twisted her shoulders to the right, stepped her right foot back, and with the full force of her body drop kicked Clyde directly in the balls.

All the air in Clyde's body disappeared in a noise he had never made before. He crumbled to the floor gasping for breath and coughing. He grabbed his package and wiggled on the floor.

She stood over him and patiently waited until he was still and had his breathing under control.

He looked at her from the corner of his eyes afraid to move. “Alright, you got me good, you can go now.”

She dropped one knee in front of him, leaned down to look him in the face, and smiled with those beautiful eyes and full lips.

“No.”

She balled up her fist and punched him in the dick.

Clyde spun a pen around the fingers of his right hand. Andy was back asking for more software engineers because progress was basically halted after Clyde's earlier suggestion.

“You know, Andy, why don't you go down there and get them back into shape? You know how to do that right?” Clyde asked with a smile.

Andy nodded. “Yes. I'm the senior office manager but yes. I'll learn how to program.”

Clyde nodded. “I like you, Andy.”